When Season is Canceled…
This past weekend I watched five-plus football games with my husband. Prior to 2020, I’ve maybe watched five games with my husband throughout our entire seven-year relationship. Most people feel some sense of normalcy with football being back, but honestly, to me, it feels like an alternate universe.
We’re usually at a game, and not together. I’m in the stands. Brian’s in the booth or on the field. But not this year.
In August, the 2020 Mid-American Conference football season was canceled. The decision came with equal parts relief - phew, the coaches and players and staff are reducing their risk of spreading or contracting COVID - but also anger, fear, and stress - what does this mean for Brian’s job, this isn’t fair, etc.
Let me backtrack a little bit to explain why this feels like a bigger disappointment to us than one might assume.
Brian has spent the last five years working as a student assistant or graduate assistant for college football programs. The hours are long and the pay can be for very little. He works his ass off. In turn, I have spent the last five years working (for three of those in a job I hated to my core) to support us and our family while Brian worked tirelessly to get to the next step. We’ve moved three times - sometimes to not super ideal places - and we don’t get to see each other much from August - January plus the month of June. Our family makes a lot of sacrifices for college football.
So when Brian accepted a full-time job in February 2020, it felt like all the sacrifices were paying off. This would be the first season we remember Brian as a full-time coach. This would be the first season in five years we could take a collective sigh of relief financially. This would be the first season we could stop talking about making plans and actually make plans.
Instead, it’s the season that never was for us. The season of furloughs and worries. It’s not fun. It sucks. And it feels so frustrating to be in reach of the thing your family has worked so hard for just to have it pulled just a little bit further out of reach.
Without being toxically positive, I try to balance those angry and frustrated feelings with “I am so grateful to be grieving this.” If COVID-19 had become a pandemic just one month earlier, a full-time opportunity might have been an option for Brian this season. Most public universities were put on hiring freezes when the pandemic hit, so it could’ve been months or even a year until a full-time coaching job was available. I do recognize we are so lucky the timing was right, and feel fortunate to grieve this situation.
The decision to cancel season is what feels like the safest option in terms of physical health to me and my family. If the season happened, I would be a nervous wreck each week. Is it safe to travel? Is everyone on the team doing what they should be doing? Is the other school - players, coaches, support staff - being safe? Are they allowing fans? What about the safety of the ticket takers, concession workers, security, etc.? Is the hotel where they are staying taking every precaution (as an enneagram 6 I have a lot of concern about safety)? We want everyone involved to be healthy and stay healthy. No football game is worth someone losing their life.
Now, it’s looking at a possible double season in 2021. Which feels stressful just thinking about due to the time commitment college football is for coaches. How often will we see each other? What about the weddings we’re invited to in 2021? And so. many. more. questions. But at the same time, who really knows what 2021 will look like.
This year (and all that has changed and will change because of it) reminds me of the Chinese parable “Good News, Bad News, Who Knows?” If you haven’t heard it, give it a quick google. There are slightly different versions out there, but ultimately, sometimes what you deem as bad news can end up being good news or visa versa. It can be hard to separate yourself from the bad news because it hurts, but when you look back it might just be a blessing in disguise. Maybe season being canceled will be a blessing I haven’t quite realized yet. Or maybe the blessing is getting to spend the MOST time I’ve ever spent with my husband. Who knows? .
xx,
Linds
