Living A Sober Curious Life
First let me say, throughout this journey of exploring sober curiosity I have been turned off time and time again by people who are sharing their sober(-ish) lifestyle by starting their story adamantly protesting “they do not have a problem". Like who are you trying to convince? You or me? Also, doing so continues the negative stigma those with addiction issues face. The need to repeatedly claim you do not have a problem can make it harder for others to admit because we’re making it seem shameful.
So with that, I will not tell you that I don’t have a problem with alcohol or that I do have a problem with alcohol because truthfully, that is nobody’s business. I will say I am not a licensed professional trained to help or guide others through their addiction issues. If you find that you need help, please consult with your doctors and reach out to your friends and family for a support network.
What follows are my thoughts on why I stopped drinking, books or podcasts that I’ve enjoyed, some favorite follows on social, answers to your questions, and more. I really want to be an open book about this because when I started to feel like maybe I didn’t want to drink anymore it felt really isolating. Drinking feels like the driving force of being social, and if I didn’t drink would I have anything to do? Plus, being a woman, as soon as I don’t reach for a drink in a situation where I previously would have everyone could assume I was pregnant. And as someone who is not super interested in birthing a child, I would love to avoid this assumption as much as humanly possible.
Where It All Started & Why I Stopped
So in March 2022, I remember having this overwhelming feeling of “I don’t really want this” any time I would drink alcohol, but I kept it to myself and ordered drinks anyways out with friends or at dinners as a way to keep up appearances. Drinking made me think I appeared closer to cool than I felt and kept people from asking me if I was pregnant. I remember thinking this doesn’t feel as fun to me as it use to feel. I’m not sure where it came from, but I do know I started drinking less and less, but never fully stopped. And I would always be annoyed with myself after. Why am I doing something I don’t want to do? I wouldn’t eat something I dislike because everyone else does (see: cheese).
For about two months, I struggled internally with this desire to stop drinking, but feeling like I had to keep drinking to be myself in social situations or to be considered fun, cool, or your preferred adjective of choice. And then one day, I decided I was done. It was gradual, and then it was a sudden change. Ultimately, I stopped drinking because the “fun” didn’t outweigh the “bad” for me like it once did. And if something isn’t fun then we aren’t doing it. We’re choosing joy, remember y’all?!?
Side note: I’ve grown to hate the “I NEED a drink” mindset. You don’t NEED a drink. You NEED to address the issue (emotions, person, whatever) that makes you feel like you NEED a drink.
Podcasts & Books
As I mentioned above there have been several podcasts around living a more sober-focused life that have turned me off from sharing about this due to how they caveat their experience with alcohol. However, I have found a few books and podcasts that I have found helpful in exploring my thoughts and feelings about alcohol.
What Alcohol Does to Your Body, Brain & Health by Huberman Lab
I was skeptical when a friend shared this podcast with me because who is this Huberman man? Do we trust him? And after listening, I would say yes. This is a very informative and interesting podcast on how alcohol impacts your body. I like facts when it comes to this topic and we trust science around here.
Nothing Good Can Come From This by Kirsti Coulter
It is so interesting how alcohol relates to women and is ultimately a feminist issue. And this book explored more of this, and I appreciated the author sharing her story. I found it relatable.
Quit Like A Woman by Holly Whitaker
This book really dives into the impact alcohol has on the lives of women, and I found myself enraged after reading some of the historical points about alcohol and women in this book. It made me feel slightly taken advantage of from a marketing standpoint. It really gave me a lot to think about.
I haven’t listened to this podcast, and I do love this creator on Instagram and TikTok. I’ve made several of her mocktails and they are so good. Much more than just juice and sparkling water. I look forward to listening. Plus, it features Holly Whitaker who wrote the book listed above.
A Journey Through Sobriety and Compassion with Holly Whitaker by On The Rocks with Olivia Noceda
Favorite Follows
I shared this creator’s podcast above, and I truly love her content. We’ve made so many of her mocktails, and they are crowd favorites. 10 out 10 every time.
Host by Tori was one of the first creators I discovered when I was going through the internal conflict of do I want to drink anymore. I loved how she posed the question to herself each time “do I want alcohol right now?” and if the answer was no, she didn’t order it. How refreshing to make it an active choice when we’ve been conditioned so long for it not to be.
Reader Questions
Y’all had a ton of great questions, and I didn’t get to all of them given this is already a long post. There is just so much to cover and share with this topic.
Was it an all-at-once decision or little by little?
I would say the desire to stop was little by little, but the decision to stop was all at once. Brian and I were in the car on our way home from visiting friends in Nashville and after a boozy weekend, I just knew I was done. I looked at Brian and said, “I don’t think I want to drink anymore.” And that was it. The decision was made, and I’ve only had a few sips of alcohol here and there since.
Do you feel like you had set rules for yourself?
Not really. I don’t have the desire to drink anymore. When I am in situations where there is alcohol I ask myself if I WANT to drink alcohol and if the answer is no (which it consistently has been since last May) I order a mocktail.
And I don’t beat myself up if I do have a drink. Last June, so less than a month into deciding not to drink anymore, Brian and I were visiting Nora, from Purely Nora, and her husband, Christian, in New York City. I ordered a mocktail. But the waiter didn’t hear that part and brought me a cocktail. It was hot outside. The drink was refreshing. We were with friends. It tasted so yummy. And I had no idea it contained alcohol until I ordered a second one and the waiter was so apologetic. I don’t beat myself up about it. It wasn’t my fault. I’m not trying to count the days or years.
For me, it’s less about the stretch of time I can go, and more about liking how I feel physically and mentally.
Do you feel like it has helped with your depression?
Absolutely. 100%. I am genuinely a happier person now. I talk about this a lot with my therapist. I feel I am nicer to myself, and I am the only person that lives with myself 24/7, so shouldn’t I be the nicest person I interact with daily? Also, I find the day-to-day more joyful than when I drank.
How do you go about ordering when you’re out?
I always look to see what the NA options are on the menu. If there is nothing, I will ask if they can make any of the cocktails as a mocktail. If that’s a no-go, I will ask for a drink that is “refreshing, and not too sweet, no grapefruit, and with a little spice.” If it doesn’t feel like a place where the bartender wants to be a mixologist, I just ask for soda water with lime and maybe a splash of pineapple juice. Keep it simple and make a mental note that this is a place I maybe don’t want to spend my money in the future.
Do you find it awkward when you’re socializing with friends who do drink?
No, most of my friends are aware and super supportive. I still want to get “drinks” with my friends, I just want mine to be zero-proof. Some people are more chill about it than others and just breeze right on past my NA order, and sometimes others want to know more.
Do you feel like you made the decision based on physical effects or social pressure?
I would say it was related to physical effects more than anything. I have terrible drinker’s remorse and have ever since drinking became a regular part of my life. My hangiexty is off the charts after drinking. I didn’t love the way I would feel physically, mentally, and emotionally after drinking. I wanted to stop the awful feelings.
Do you use THC, CBD, or other substances either recreationally or for therapeutic reasons?
No. THC and I had a disagreement back in college, so we aren’t on speaking terms. I have used CBD in the past, but I felt like the results were fleeting. I do love a CBD bath soak though.
How are your dancing skills?
This question was sent in with the caveat that it is rhetorical, but I wanted to include it because this was a concern of mine when I went to my first wedding where I didn’t drink. Would I be fun? Would I want to dance? And the answer is YES. I had some of the most fun I’ve had at a wedding.
Now, are my skills good? The jury is still out. But the desire and courage to dance are still there.
What’s the cost of alcohol vs. mocktails?
Overall, mocktails are cheaper, however, it depends on where you are, what your order is, etc. When I was out with coworkers in Austin, twice bartenders didn’t charge me for ordering a mocktail. And it was more than just soda water and lime. But in other instances, I’ve asked for a cocktail on the menu to be made sans alcohol and it has shown up on our bill just a few dollars cheaper than what was listed on the menu. Overall, I would say you have the ability to save money, but I find we are allocating those funds toward other things we want to do.
It’s been an interesting and enlightening almost year of not drinking (or really severely limiting alcohol). I’ve thoroughly enjoyed chatting with you in the DMs and with friends in real life about it. And ultimately, getting to know my adult self in a way I wasn’t able to before. I do feel the happiest I have felt in years, and I am so much nicer to myself when I don’t drink, work is much more enjoyable. Actually, scratch that, every aspect of life is so much more enjoyable.
And while it has had some awkward moments like a friend texting me after a wedding where I didn’t drink “congrats on being pregnant” and working through that conversation with them about how unless someone explicitly tells you they are pregnant, it’s best not to say anything at all. Or other people congratulating me on my sobriety in a way that felt like they thought I had a problem, and it was best I not drink. Or people using my not drinking as an attack on their drinking and justifying their habits to me. In all honesty, I do not care about your drinking habits. Just like you shouldn’t care about mine.
But it has had some super wonderful moments, too, like on a work trip with a coworker I had not met in person yet asked what cocktail I was ordering and I answered “I’m ordering a mocktail”, and they just answered cool and moved on like it was normal. The acceptance in making it seem ordinary was so appreciated. Or when a girlfriend at a girl’s night dinner was genuinely asking me questions about it in such a heartfelt way. Or the time a friend visited me and specifically researched non-alcoholic brands and where they could source them in their city, so they could buy them to bring to my house.
xx,
Linds
